-Me, age 10 to 15
That’s the whole list.
It was a fragile time, the ill-famed awkward stage, one I filled with activities like: making water balloon families and naming them after the cast of Full House, plastering every square inch of my bedroom walls with posters of Disney Channel stars to “take a rebellious stance” against the “hideous lavender paint for babies,” cutting my own side bangs to be
just like everybody else an individual, misunderstanding the concept of eyeliner … oh, how vivid is the ghost of braces past.
In retrospect, I think the first defining moment of my awkward stage was when I opened up a box of Pop-Tarts to find that I had WON A FREE IPOD and literally ran in circles around my house singing “I’VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET!!” because clearly I had just won a trip to the Wonka factory. (shout-out to my parents for laughing only behind my back)
That sleek, sexy (chunky, made-in-2006) piece of mp3-playing metal defined me as a real live “preteen,” and when that term comes into play in any young female’s life, things immediately take a turn for the worse. I filled that iPod with lots of High School Musical and thus my awkward stage was born. A Kellogg’s miracle.
(I will not be including any photographs of myself from this time as I do not condone publicizing early adolescence. Which is why I will never understand bat mitzvahs.)
I ate so many Pop-Tarts as a child that I actually ended up with the prize-winning box. I ditched them as a regular snack around the same time that kale started being a thing that I thought about, so it’s been a hot minute since I’ve tasted their genuine chalky goodness. (That’s a lie, I ate Pop-Tarts on prom night, but I’ve decided to omit all of prom from the list of “things that have happened in my life,” so they don’t officially count).
When it dawned on me that Pop-Tarts could be homemade, it also dawned on me that I could fill them with Biscoff spread. So the next morning at dawn (just kidding, I’ve never once functioned at dawn) I embarked on an adventure to build a better Pop-tart, 0% chalky preservative awkward stage mess, 100% flaky rich goodness with some seriously awesome caramel-y depth of flavor. I made them tiny because I generally prefer tiny things (this does not apply to bags of kettle corn or closet space), but it turns out that these are so overwhelmingly flavorful and satisfying that a smaller-than-average serving size is perfect. If you’ve never experienced the magic of Biscoff, it is an ethereally smooth cookie spread made from ground Belgian ginger cookies, and there are few things more delicious/addicting on the planet. Stuff it in Pop-Tarts and your life will improve exponentially.
In conclusion, I have managed to make icing covered cookies filled with ground cookies and call them breakfast. ‘Impossible’ is no longer a word in my vocabulary.